My Wedding Diet
I am thrilled to be getting married. I truly am. I can’t wait to have one giant celebration and to yell to the world “I found a guy who talks as much as I do!” It is going to be an amazing party.
But there isn’t one step of the wedding planning where I am not reminded that this is an industry. An industry that relies upon people feeling vulnerable and self conscious. Nothing makes this more obvious than the advertisements I receive after searching or emailing about “weddings.” It turns out, just by typing the word wedding you need to go on a diet. There you are, perfectly happy with who you are and someone loves you enough to ask you to marry them, or to say yes to your offer, and suddenly you become engaged and need to lose 20 pounds in order to get married? It doesn’t make any sense.
“But there are the pictures!” you cry, typing loud warnings to me through your keyboards. Yes, there are pictures. Pictures that should look like you. The you who got engaged. The you who will be a wife. Not a skinnier you, or thin version of you. Just you.
So, I’ve decided to make my own wedding diet. If I’m going to take part in this industry then I am REALLY going to take part in it.
I’ve created my diet plan by starting out with REAL, ACTUAL wedding diet suggestions that I found on the internet (which never lies) and then I modified them in the Hipmombrarian way.
Here it is. My wedding diet.
“Cleanse with your whole bridal party” Drink wine with your whole bridal party.
Or your friends. Your family. Your book club. Your neighbors. A stranger. All of them. Ask them what they’ve learned from being married. Or what they’ve learned from not being married. Ask them to share stories, experiences and memories with you. Ask them what their favorite moment at a wedding was. Ask them to be a part of your wedding. Don’t ask them to share in some sick obsession you’ve created over your appearance.
“Tape a picture of a model in a bikini on your fridge.” Tape a picture of art that you created on your fridge.
Make something. Your invitation. Your thank you cards. Your luggage tags. Whatever it is it doesn’t matter. But spend your time creating something that will last and will remind you of the process you underwent before you got married. Not a physical process. Not a shifting in size or appearance but an eternal shifting that made a small slit in the side of your heart and carefully stitched it to the heart of someone else. That process should make you want to remember.
“Booty Boot Camp.” (<— That is a real thing.) Go camping.
Pack up your car, or your backpack, or your bike. Pack up your unicycle for all I care and get out of town. Go so far that all you can see is mountains nuzzling mountains with more trees than buildings and more animals than TV channels. Stay there. For quite some time. Don’t brush your hair. Don’t bring makeup. Brush your teeth if you must. Forget about how you look and remember how you feel. When you return home you will take a shower, and that one simple act will make you feel like a goddess.
“Cut down on salt intake” Cut down on media intake.
All of it. TV shows. Bridal magazines. The holy Pinterest. You don’t need examples to create your day. You need imagination. Read a Fantasy book. Write a creative story. Think about the things you love the most and find a way to smash them into a day. Or elope and spend the rest your life doing the things you love. Whatever it is, let it be yours. Let it come from your life, let it gain momentum through your partner’s life, and let it culminate with your witnesses in one giant hell of a time.
“Consider a colonic.” Consider a counselor.
Truly. If you are actually considering a colonic for your wedding then you have more mental “shit” that needs to be worked out than you have physical shit.
“Eat more protein, vitamins, fiber, calcium, magnesium, and chalk.” Eat whatever the hell makes your body feel good.
You have a giant celebration coming up where you are expected to do the YMCA with your closest friends and family into the early morning after 4 glasses of champagne. You need sustenance, nourishment, and lots of stretching in preparation.
“Feeding Tube Diet aka K-E Diet.”Volunteer your time with the elderly.
If people are actually thinking about voluntarily putting a feeding tube through their nose (is that where it goes?) for a diet then I think they need to be around people who don’t get a choice in whether they have a feeding tube or not. Be humbled. Get over yourself.
“Keep your eye on the prize.” Keep your eye on the Prize.
That one I will keep, but I will argue that the prize is not losing x pounds before your wedding. The prize is not even looking your best at your wedding. The prize is a celebration of love and shouldn’t that journey start with some love for yourself? The one who is so beloved to someone else that they want to spend the rest of their life with you? That is the prize. Love yourself enough to lose the diet. Love yourself enough to focus on things that matter. Love yourself enough to just be.
These are my diet tips. So far, I’ve followed them very closely and I can tell you with extreme confidence that whether I am a size 12 or a size 22 on September 20, 2014 I will look fan-fucking-tastic.*
*and you could too for only $0.00 and a subscription to this blog!