This is why you have children

It has been a week. And it is only Wednesday. It has been a month, actually. Well, to be fair, it has pretty much been a solid 8 years. Eight years of whining, of fighting, of sleepless nights worrying about my children. Eight years of burnt toast. Eight years of yelling phrases like “use your words”, “wash your hands right now” because of phrases like “stop touching your butt!” Eight years of disgusting messes, embarrassing meltdowns, and constant hair loss.

The truth is, parenting is awful 75% of the time. I have a running list of things they don’t tell you about parenthood, but it can pretty much be summed up by this: they are horrible little people most of the time. But one of the best co-parenting decisions my girls’ dad and I ever made is to start a Twitter account of all the hilarious things our kids say when they are with us. That way the other parent gets to experience it and it is archived for whenever you need it. For example, tonight. When my six year old told me that I am the stupidest thing in the entire universe INCLUDING aliens and animals, I needed a pick-me-up. I quickly browsed their twitter page and I was reminded that sometimes they write letters like this:


That they say things like this:

Screenshot 2014-11-12 21.21.07

And most importantly, when it is Father’s Day, they create the most phallic looking creation in your honor:


This is the truth about parenthood. THIS is why you have children. Because 25% of the time they are hilarious enough to make up for the rest of the time.


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