Why marriage?
Marriage is a dance between me and we. Sometimes it paralyzes and sometimes it frees. It is the ultimate compromise.
Read moreMegan
What I am due on my due date
I have the ability to choose the worst checkout line every time I shop, regardless of the store. For years I thought it was just my absentminded nature. I must not notice which line is the longest. I tried to make the best of it, laugh and change my ways. I was vigilant about what line I chose every time
Read moreHow do horses survive the winter?
I wake at night, or sometimes early morning, in the hours when everyone else is sleeping. When everyone else should be sleeping. The times when if we had a clock I would be able to hear the articulation of its ticking. It could be my time to cry, to reflect, to remember the fragments my body begs me to forget.
Read morePlease don’t shield your joy
“Have you noticed that people aren’t sending us holiday cards?” I quizzed my husband, just two days before Christmas. “We’ve gotten several.” He held up a pile of the carnage, barely looked through but evidence of their existence was found in shades of crimson and green. We had gotten some. I knew this. I glanced over them when they arrived and
Read moreWhat I Know About Izzy
Sixteen days have passed since she was born. Twenty one since we learned that she was no longer alive. Today is the first time that I opened up the mailbox to see only bills peering back at me. No cards. No gifts. The gas bill is late. My oldest told me that she misses her. I believe she means it
Read moreGrief is the thing with claws
If grief is a checklist then I am winning. Counseling. Support group. Making myself leave the house at least once a day. If grief is a sprint then I am losing. The tears haven’t slowed. The pain hasn’t subsided. I feel further behind one week later, or is it two? An eternity, it seems. If grief is a research paper
Read moreYou Will Prefer Silence
They call it the silent sorrow. The unspoken grief that parents go through with pregnancy loss and stillbirth. Silent because nobody speaks it? Or silent because nobody wants to hear it? What should we say, really, to make ourselves louder and somehow more defined? Cry louder? Yell harder? Scream at strangers in parking lots? What should I say when the
Read moreI Can Only See Yellow
When we were in the hospital the Chaplain brought us coloring pages. My nurse, who helps grieving parents, told me that for some women coloring is the closest they can get to finding a ‘nothing place’. A nothing place is where you go to not feel the pain all around you. It helps you survive the burning house. So I try
Read moreLet’s Call it a Life Pivot
There is perspective to be found while laying on the bathroom floor. You have to squint a little to see it, but right there nestled between three positive pregnancy tests and the layer of grime you’ve been meaning to clean off the counters you can find it. It might take a day or two before you want to acknowledge it, but
Read moreI gave birth to a book.
On July 18th, 12:01 AM following three months of researching, five months of writing, three months of revising and four months of waiting, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful, 8oz, 9in long book. This pregnancy was not unlike my first two. It started with a lot of questions. Q: “How much money does it cost to have a child?”
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Chop Wood, Carry Water 