Tag Archives: loss

What I Know About Izzy

Sixteen days have passed since she was born. Twenty one since we learned that she was no longer alive. Today is the first time that I opened up the mailbox to see only bills peering back at me. No cards. No gifts. The gas bill is late. My oldest told me that she misses her.  I believe she means it

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Grief is the thing with claws

If grief is a checklist then I am winning. Counseling. Support group. Making myself leave the house at least once a day. If grief is a sprint then I am losing. The tears haven’t slowed. The pain hasn’t subsided. I feel further behind one week later, or is it two? An eternity, it seems. If grief is a research paper

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You Will Prefer Silence

They call it the silent sorrow. The unspoken grief that parents go through with pregnancy loss and stillbirth. Silent because nobody speaks it? Or silent because nobody wants to hear it? What should we say, really, to make ourselves louder and somehow more defined? Cry louder? Yell harder? Scream at strangers in parking lots? What should I say when the

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I Can Only See Yellow

When we were in the hospital the Chaplain brought us coloring pages. My nurse, who helps grieving parents,  told me that for some women coloring is the closest they can get to finding a ‘nothing place’. A nothing place is where you go to not feel the pain all around you. It helps you survive the burning house. So I try

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Are you home now?

I left my grandfather’s side at the hospital today and immediately went to get lost in the foothills. He had that look that everyone seems to have right before they die. His body still rests in this world but he is clearly somewhere else. I joked with my mom every time he murmured that he was dreaming about golf, cigars,

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To my favorite heart

When I decided to go to Kenya in 2010 many people thought it was a strange place to choose to visit. It didn’t make any sense when I tried to articulate it, but somewhere deep inside it fit so perfectly that I knew the experience would be important. So important that it justified a single mom, with two young children,

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